"VICTIM"

This joke was sent my way, but I have seriously had victims like this looking to report crimes. Enjoy.........

A 'Heads Up' for men who may be regular hardware store customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

My wallet has been stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

The Enforcer gets to use an old vaudville routine

While working the front desk last night, and right at the end of a loooooong shift. (I do have to admit, that my lot last night was better than most of the guys on my shift last night) because as I said "I was inside working the front desk"

The guys outside had to deal with this: (In all actuality, the hosedraggers dealt with the fire, but the cops had to deal with the logistics nightmare of blocking off streets, making sure nobody drove over the hoses, and keeping the crowds back. All in sub freezing temperatures.

While for most of the night I just had to deal with assorted minor problems. At the end of the night I had to deal with a woman who was thrown out of a club by the cop at the door for being disruptive. She promptly took a taxi to the police station to make a complaint. She was still intoxicated, still wearing her come fuck me costume, very loud and profane when telling me her tale of woe. I took it for as long as I could and when the swearing and yelling got too much for me I professionally and authoritatively raised my voice and advised her that just because she was mad at another officer, she did not have the right to piss all over my night. I then took my leave of the front desk area in order to calm down a bit. When I returned she calmly informed me "that was no way to speak to a lady" Well, quite accidentally and without thinking I told her that I didn't think I was talking to a "lady"

OOOOPS

COPS WIVES ARE A PRETTY COOL BUNCH OF BROADS

I say this because only a cops wife could recieve this greeting and know that there was nothing tawdry going on.

Me (after finishing up a call and noticing that I had a missed call from the Enforcerwife) : Hi hun, I would have called you back sooner but I was rolling around with a hooker on the bridge.

Enforcerwife: Good then does that mean I don't have to give it up to you when you get home from work?????

Heres the rundown:
I was working the other night and got a call to back up another officer on a traffic stop on one of the bridges in the city. I arrive on scene and he had the female party out of the vehicle, she was a known hooker and her story was her "friend" was giving her a ride home. I went over to the "friend" and he went to pieces like a cheap house of cards in a hurricane. He told me he was out to get his horn scraped, and was going to pay her $40 bucks and they were driving somewhere private when they got stopped.
I then turned my attention to helping the other officer, seems hookergirl doesn't wanna give up her purse. (I wouldn't either if there was a knot of cocaine in there like she had) well, when we found her stuff the other cop handcuffed her and we led her to the patrol car. Evidently though, either her hooker training with handcuffs or the other officers poor handcuffing technique or just that she had tiny wrists, she had freed herself and wasn't about to go in the patrol car and she was one wiry and nimble chick too.

We tried everything (and it looked like one of those old cartoons where theyre trying to stuff a cat in a box and each time they think they got it another limb pops out and pushes away from the box, she actually did a split and had one leg wedged against each doorjam) We decide to bring her to the ground and reassess the situation, however the minute she hit the ground she successfully crawled halfway underneath the patrol car and grabbed onto the frame of the car. There we are one of us pulling each of her legs trying to pull her back out.

We finally got the situation under control and all was right with the world. But there were a lot of cars on the bridge at the time, so if you see a youtube video fitting that description, lemme know will ya?

DUTCH TREAT?

AMSTERDAM - A man being held in a Dutch police cell on suspicion of growing pot got an unintended treat in his lunch - a piece of hashish-laced cake - a police spokesman sheepishly admitted yesterday.

“It was an accident,” said Alwin Don, police spokesman in the southern province of Zeeland.

The cake had been seized by police in an unrelated investigation and stored in a refrigerator along with the lunch packets served to jailed suspects.

“Clearly it looked a lot like the other lunch packets,” Don said of the cake, which was served with a cup of coffee on Sunday. But that’s not the most surprising part.

“Officers returned to the cell a half hour later and the suspect told them: ‘I think you’ve given me something you weren’t supposed to,’ ” Don said.

The man had only nibbled at the cake. Cops called in a doctor who declared he suffered no ill effects.

I'm thinking some booking officer's got a lot of 'splainin to do........

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO REAL GUYS DRINKING REAL COFFEE?

This video reminds me of working midnights when I first got on the job. Midnights in my department when I got on was chock full of "old timers" who had the old school mentality. The rule for the coffee run was the order consists of small black coffees with the fixins on the side. If you wanted a large then you bought 2 smalls and that was it. And the idea of having the cream and sugar mixed in was out of the question, it was like saying "yes I am a rookie please rag on me unmercifully for a long period of time. You might as well have asked for the dispatchers first born child.

These days the guys on my shift are putting in coffee orders that consist of soy latees and mochaiattos, talk about your drip drying. And while I'm ranting can anyone tell me what a friggin vanilla chai is?

OMG I just realized I have become one of the jaded old timers

From the Dumb Criminal Files

Car thief has a swift change of heart after checking his rear-view mirror

BRIXHAM A thief who stole a car after spotting the keys in the ignition swiftly abandoned it when he was confronted by a great dane that had been asleep on the back seat.

The man was unaware that Diesel, an alsatian cross, was inside the Toyota 4x4. As he drove off he saw the dog, 9st (57kg) and 6ft tall on his hind legs, through his rear view mirror. As soon as Diesel sat up, the man stopped the car and fled.

Police found the car outside Brixham Rugby Club, Devon, only 30 yards from where it had been taken. The owner, Nick Griggs, 41, of Brixham, who runs a quad bike centre, said: “I’d love to have seen the look on his face when he saw Diesel. He must have got the shock of his life. There’s no alarm, but who needs one when you’ve got the Hound of the Baskervilles in your back seat?”

The car was stolen after Mr Griggs’s wife, Karen, 41, forgot to remove her keys from the ignition when she went to collect the couple’s two children from school. She said that the 11-month-old dog “would have thought it was time for walkies”. She added: “He’s a big softie – if the guy had hung around he’d have licked his hands and face. He’s very good with strangers.”

 

This so should have happened in my city. I can so see this happening in my city....

THE ENFORCER STILL HAS HOCKEY CHOPS

Well, it snowed (again) last night and when I say snow I mean someone shook up the snow globe and dumped several inches on us. I worked through the heart of the storm, I'm usually the downtown car (which is a decent sector to have) there is always plenty to do and it is mostly buisness district, but last night I got moved to one of the south sector. The south is more residential and the layout is spread out better than the north so there are usually less call volume. So it seemed like I was probably going to have a decent night. Not many people outside (due to the storm) and less call volume (due to the location) right??????

Ahhhh No........

The south went off the beam last night, more directly the OTHER south sector, but seeing as we are one man cars there is usually 2 cars sent to each high priority call. I had two actual calls in my sector. One was an alarm call and the other was a little old lady who called because someone she didnt know was knocking on her door sometime around 11 pm. It ended up being some entreprenuring youngsters looking to shovel driveways. (we counseled the youngsters about appropriate business hours and I think we got through to them)

However, in the other sector everyone seemed to be suffering from cabin fever, we had calls for a large group fighting with shovels, ice picks and windshield scrapers in the street, several domestics, a few car accidents (there were very few of them) which solidifiess my contention from a few posts back that it's the first snowfall that everyone forgets how to drive but once they get their snow legs they do ok. But the call of the night goes to......
Drum Roll Please
We get a call for a disturbance, a large group of people possibly arguing and whatnot at an off campus housing complex. Originally there were 2 sector cars and 2 seargents sent to the call, but enroute one of the seargents went off with a motor vehicle stop (a guy driving like a nitwit) and creating a danger to the public on the roadway, the other seargent backed up the first one on the car stop and I continued on with the sector car to the original call. When we got there there were a bunch of college kids out in the hallway drinking and carousing, when they saw us coming up the stairs they all beat feet into one of the apartments. We followed the trail of breadcrumbs (or more appropriately) Budweiser bottles and knocked on the door.

We were going to do one of two things, either tell them to keep it down (if there was only a handfull of people) or shut the party down and send everyone home (if there was a larger group)

However when we made entry into the apartment the drunk college kids (not all of em were drunk) began giving us grief, the usual stuff, go fight real crime, you are picking on us, you got a warrant? etc....

There was one guy I spotted who jammed his hand inside his puffy coat when he saw us. Well, as a cop we are trained to assume that anyone making furtive movements such as that needs to be addressed for safety reasons, and with about 10-12 possibly intoxicated college kids (about 4-5 being female) and only two officers on scene at this time, everyone gets brought out and lined up so that no one can jump us from behind while we are dealing with the most imminent threat.
As we were checking everyone and doing criminal warrant checks on them the two seargents arrived on scene along with another backup officer. The drunkest one of all refused to stay on the wall and when he was ordered to stop creating a disorderly situation he decided that thiswould be a great time to challenge the cops to a fight, he squared off and went at it with the other officer but made the mistake of working the fight to where myself and a seargent was standing, 2 palm heel strikes to the kidneys and a bodyslam later the guy was neutralized and in cuffs.

We went about our business of checking warrants and I noticed that most of the male subjects were of Canadien origin, we were about 4 blocks away from a division one hockey east college, they were athletically built, and we knew that at least one of them had a proclivity to fighting so I (and yes I admit it) I suppose I racially profiled these fine young people and asked if per chance we were dealing with a contingency of the hockey team?
Bingo, we have a winner, give the Enforcer a cigar- boy am I good *insert shameless pat on the back here*
And I wonder why detectives division hasn't made me anoffer to join as of yet LOL.

The kid I was patting down confirmed that they were indeed a small contingency of the hockey team, I told him I figured he was a defenseman due to his size and gentelmanly manner.He confirmed that too. I then surmised that the guy who started fighting had to be a forward, right again, confirmed by the defenseman I was checking. One of the seargents asked the defenseman why the other guy tried to fight us and the defenseman deadpanned "cause he is a forward I guess". I had to stifle my laughter on that one.
Everyone checked out without warrants, the party was shut down and everyone was sent on their way. And most importantly the Enforcer still has his hockey chops.

LOUD MUSIC BAHHHHHH HUMBUG

So there I was sitting in my cruiser, it was 9:00 PM on a Sunday night. It wasn't overly busy but somewhat steady. I get a call for, get this: Loud music coming from an address located downtown in the business district.

OK, there are a handfull of apartment buildings down there and one rooming house, but the address given struck me as not being near any of them.

It seemed odd, then it got even odder....

Dispatch updates that it's coming from the dentist's office and it is unbearably loud to the caller.

Now I'm sure that this is a prank call and I'm wondering if it is the dispatcher having fun at my expense or if there actually is some nitwit who thinks that the dentist is cranking the tunes at 9pm on a Sunday night.

I make my way leisurely to the address given and whaddaya know? Jokes on me, theres 2 outdoor speakers mounted outside the third floor windows facing the street and I am getting audibly assaulted by .........

DRUMROLL PLEASE...................

CHRISTMAS CAROLS, Ohhhh yeah I rolled up to the crooning of Burl Ives have a holly jolly Christmas at a rediculously high decibel. It was followed by the little drummer boy (the David Bowie version) and Dean "Dino" Martin singing baby it's cold outside. (And it really was cold outside, and rainy, so I really didnt need the weather update)

I advised dispatch that there was no knox box or phone number listed for the dentist or their alarm company, and I stood there, first humming, then singing Christmas Carols in the rain, on a Sunday night, at 9:00 PM, by myself, until dispatch finally tracked down the dentist and got him to respond to the office and turn down the tunes.

He got there, apologized profusely and explained that they had just decorated for Christmas and thought it would be cool to have Carols playing during business hours like in the olden days. Well they set up the stereo to an auto timer and thought it was set to 9:00 am when they open. But in actuality it was set to 9:00 PM and here we were.

I need a loooooong holly jolly vacation!!!!!!!!!!

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT

There are times when I have to take my job serios as a heart attack,and then there are other times. Humor wether it is regular haha stuff, sarcastic shit, or gallows humor all keep cops from going utterly insane at times.

Last night I got a call for a man down in the city common,I had two backup officers with me. When I got thereI found out it was a gaggle of drunks and one of them had been drinking and having seizures all day.In all actuality I had the discression to arrest the guy, the friends or summons them in for being in a public park after sundown. I could do that or issue them a warning to leave and see if that worked. I chose option number 2. Firstly because I didn't want to be stuck watching a prisoner (of a minor offense) at the hospital all night. Secondly, I like to be able to say (when I can) that I gave the offender every opportunity to rectify the problem on their own before I resort to an arrest.

While prepping the guy for transport with the ambulance crew the guy started bitching about how the cops in this city suck, he stated how he "lwas robbed of his license by the cops" the last time he got arrested. Well I was there that night, he didnt get robbed, he was so drunk that night that he forgot to pick it up off the counter when he got bailed out and we didnt notice it until he had left.

Last night he was blind drunk and the flashing lights from the cruisers and ambulance was bothering him, so while he ranted I just kept agreeing with him through the whole thing and had this big ole grin going while trying to stiffle my laughter. He finally came to a point of semi lucidity and opened his eyes just enough to see he was talking to one of those sucky cops. It was fun to see the look on his face.

NEW ADDITIONS TO LAW ENFORCEMENT

A tourist visiting Miami walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with all small arms, write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in Small Unit Tactics--- well worth the money!

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a POST certified Sergeants Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism, Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a lieutenant."

NOW AND ZEN ENFORCERSTYLE

Ok here goes.

Enforcerwife is a serial book reader. I totally enjoy reading but I have to be in the mood for it and I go through spurts and phases with reading, Imostly like biography and history. Enforcerwife has shelves full of books and is always buying more books. (she is to the literary world what Imelda Marcos is to the shoe world)

However, in her last book buying binge (notice the illeteration, 3 words beginning with the letter b, huh? huh? impressive no?) Enforcerwife grabbed a little book called "The Secret" it's kinda a self help book that stresses the power of positive thinking. (From what I'm told Oprah swears by it ) I guess for some reason be it the color of the book cover or the fact that it is a tiny hard cover book that looked like a fast read it kinda piqued my interest.

I brought it to work last night. I ended up drawing short straw errrr. I mean I got chosen to dispatch so I got to start reading the book during downtime and it was kinda interesting.

Now don't go getting worried. Yes, I read a self help book. Yes, I enjoyed it, but I will still be the same blogwriting Enforcer that puts the FUN in Dys-FUN-ctional I promise.

The best part of the whole experience last night was the fact that my Seargent (and good friend) who is one hell of a nice guy but has the same gruff exterior and sarcastic sense of self and humor as I do came into dispatch and caught me reading the book.

He ragged on me about the whole self help guru bullshit and busted my chops about how the power of positive thinking scene is so not me (if you read some back posts you will see that he is not off the mark with that assessment)

But him ragging me meant I had to one up him (its a guy thing) and I did so by spouting offto him about his negative karma and how, he should only let in the positive thoughts, like warming rays of the sun and how he too could be helped, I offered him the book when I was finished reading it.

The look on his face was priceless. I was soooo friggin zenlike, I went all Ghandi on his ass, to the point where he bet me $10 dollars I couldn't stay in my state of grace until our rotation is over this week. I got 2 days left to go and that sweet 10 dollar greenback is mine baby.

So if you see me chanting or lighting incense or whatnot, it's just me waiting out the bet. He's already told me he is gonna pair me up in a two man car with the most annoying cops he can find for the next two nights. Bring it on baby I got the ying AND the yang on my side!!!!

While we were going back and forth the midnights leutennant came in looking for someone to work the overnight shift and me and my damned state of grace voluntered (just to show the seargent how "one with the universe" I actually am)

So now here I sit in the booking room as beast master (booking officer) thinking SEE I showed him !!!!! didn't I ? huh, yeah who's zenlike now mo-fo?

But I'm going on 13 hours in this police station now, I'm beginning to know the convicts by name and what their astrological signs are and I'm now feeling very tired and wondering if I may have taken this whole one upsmanship thing too far, perhaps I'm too competitive?

Nawwww, theres a 10 spot riding on it.

I CAN DO THIS !!!!

(I'll let ya know how it turns out)

D'ohhhhhhhh who put that there??????

We had a call for a runaway that the stepmother tracked down into one of the local housing projects last night. We met the stepmother out on the roadway and she told us that the girl was with friends in the courtyard between 2 of the buildings. She stayed on the roadway, we went in.

As we approached (the walkways are big enough for our cruisers to fit in and travel through but their a bitch to navigate) We get in there, and our cars are bunched up, parked nose to nose like a giant automobile jigsaw puzzle.

The detective who's call it was asked if we'd get the mother and drive her to our location, I started to walk to my cruiser to go get the woman and saw one of the Sgt's arriving on scene.

I would have had to move 3 cars to get my car out and turned around, so I told the Sgt. what we needed and told him that as long as I moved the lead cruiser, he could navigate with far less trouble than I could, he agreed.

As Im moving the lead cruiser (it was the rookies car) his cellphone was going off in his bag on the passengers seat, the car to car radio was chirping away and the seat was so far forward that I barely fit inside the car.

But I'm only pulling like 2 feet forward, no problems right?

Not exactly, there was a 2 foot high wall that I couldn't see from the drivers seat and you guessed it, I tagged the bitch.... No damage though......

but now I gotta hear it from the rookie who's car I was moving, he heard the tap and had a grin from ear to ear (so I know he's gonna rag me come rollcall today when I go in)
I'm ready Junior, bring it on.........

HOW COPS LIGHTEN A TENSE MOMENT

(BODILY FUNCTION DISCLAIMER- QUIT READING IF YOU ARE PUT OFF BY NATURAL AND/OR UNNATURALBODILY FUNCTION HUMOR)

We had a very uneventful rotation this week, the criminals didn't offer up any really stupid stories for me to Blog about. But when the suspects wont comply, I as a good blog host will pick up the slack. Because I love you all so much. No thank you's necessary.

We got a call that a murder suspect from out of state may be staying at a residence in our town. The road official gathered up a team of go-getters (a posse if you will) to go and attempt to make the fugitive from justice arrest. I was chosen to be among the possee. The only problem was that I had just gotten off my dinner break and had just had a meal that included beans.....

(im sure you all know where this is going by now)

Were all silently creeping around this building and the poor guy shadowing me, (a rookie of course) was subjected to the worst gas bombs ever, and the best part was that we were in covert mode so he just had to grin and bear it.

We ended up checking the building and apartment and the suspect was not there, so he had to put up with the gas attack for absolutely nothing.

As we were outside the building after the search de-stressing the rookie started to give me shit for it, but as he was ragging me I let go the queen mother of all rips...........

clearing out all the cops on scene. Which included:

• 6 patrolmen
• 3 detectives
• 1 seargant
• 1 leutennant
• 1 captain

It was awesome, and yes I am staying on my toes because I know there will be payback!!!!!

The Night Of Cops and Samaraui's and Ninja's Oh Myyyyy

We got hammered with calls the other night. Any time the weather breaks all the kooks hit the streets. We had fights, domestics, car crashes, missing persons, you name it we had it.

The CRAZIEST most INTERESTING part was the woman who called 911 to let us know that her brother, who is diagnosed with psych issues, has taken their sister, who is going through chemotherapy, hostage and is in an apartment alternately threatening to kill his hostage and himself and begging the family to kill him.

Units go off at the scene and he abandons the hostage (who is now having an asthma attack) and takes off somewhere in the building.

As the officers are searching the buildings interior the ambulance pulls up to find the guy handcuffed, jumping up and down on the roof of one of the cruisers outside. Being EMT's who used to the craziness of this city, they ignore him and look for the Official in charge of the scene, casually they ask about the guy jumping up and down on the police car. This guy snuck out the back as the guys were going in the front, was nice enough to handcuff himself for us with his own sexshop handcuffs, but then he had to let us know he was there so thats when he decided to jump up and down on a copcar in order to announce his presence. Needless to say all units rushed to the new scene, got out the butterfly net, got the guy and shipped him up to the funny farm.

The calls just kept coming in though, we were getting punchy and by the end it was like what else could happen???

And thats where this story gets kinda weird........

One of the guys on my shift was having a birthday party for his kid the next day and on his way to work last night he picked up a TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume) and secured it in the dispatch center for safe keeping till he picked it up at the end of the shift. So it was there all night (shell, headpiece, and stuff)

It was an unseasonably warm night and there is no airflow inside our decrepit old station, so we had doors and windows propped open so we could breathe.

Well, I decided to take a break and get some air outside as I walked out of the dispatch center I bump into a drunk guy with his bicycle in the "off limits" side of the station.

I look and the lobby doors are still securely locked, Hmmmmmm thats weird.

Then I realized that the rear entry of the station all the doors were left propped open and he decided to come in for a visit with the comrades in blue, he made it all the way inside (with his bicycle) unmolested, he was a nice enough happy drunk and I decided to have some fun...

I spoke with him briefly, excused myself and after I alerted the other guys and girls inside the station that he was there ,I snuck into dispatch, put on the shell and headpiece and walked back out and picked up the conversation where I left off. It took him a second but the look on his face when he realized I turned into a turtle was priceless.

I think he may have quit drinking on the spot. He finished his visit shortly thereafter and went home.

Link to THE ENFORCER'S ROLL CALL NOTEBOOK

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are dr unk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

COP CLASS

I have to go once a year to re-certify in CPR First Responder, Law, and New Cop tricks class. It's a good time, we get to network, catch up with old academy friends from other departments and we do it in lieu of working our shift so it's a nice break in the action.

And it's really funny seeing a room full of cops in a school type atmosphere. We had to sit through CPR movies with really bad acting (the off color jokes were flying, especially during the heimlich manuever portion)

Just keep that visual in mind (a bunch of uniformed juvenile delinquents making off color jokes) the next time you call 911. It still amuses me that the public calls ME for help when they are in the shit........

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO COME QUICKLY

This is a cute cop story one of my coworkers sent me.....

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT

I LOVE MY JOB SOMETIMES

DUMB-ASS FILES

I knew my night wasn't going to go well from the get-go, I broke roll call with the rest of the shift, headed out into sub zero temperatures and searched out my patrol car, I didn't have to look far the guy who had it during day shift parked it right behind the building so that was actually a plus, I drove around, dropped off my checklist and got my gear, as soon as I put my bag down in the car I got my first call an alarm call (set off because of the high winds) I clicked my portable radio and it was dead, I had accidentally left the battery on when I got off work last night. OK so now I know my routine of N.C.B.C wasn't gonna happen (NCBC= No Calls Before Coffee) I took the call, got myself a new battery and damned if I didn't get a MVA. I get on scene and it was a minor fender bender but both motorists are mad at eachother, so I got to mediate (in my community minor MVA accident's without personal injury do not need an officer report) The motorists swap license and registration info in front of the officer and all is well with the world. Cool I thought, I can almost smell those coffee beans now.....NOT.

The kid (and I do mean kid) really young driver, visiting from Fla. never been in a MVA before tells me his license is at his gramma's house (he forgot to grab his wallet) I being a cop and a very jaded one at that thinks he's trying to put one over on me. (At this point I have the discression to lock him up as an out of state driver who cannot produce a license) But I'm Officer Nice Guy and at this moment I'm half froze and all about the Coffee....

I can actually see the Dunkin Donuts from the crash scene and if my nose wasn't running because of the cold I'm sure I could have smelled the fresh ground hot liquid nirvana.

I request dispatch run his info. If they tell me that the computer says he has a Florida drivers license I'm off and ordering a large extra light no sugar before he can roll up his window. No such luck, Florida's registry is DOWN, they are having computer problems of Blogger Proportions and will be unavailable for a time, sorry for the inconvienence. INCONVIENIENCE? If I don't get some coffee soon someones getting tasered I swear!!!

Now due to three factors I make a decision. I got all the other driver's information for the kid and the other driver has all but the kids D/L# so I can cut her free and let her go home. I'm gonna follow the kid to grammas house and let him produce his license for me. The 3 factors are:

1. I have no faith in the dispatcher or the leaps computer operator this particular night, They aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree if you catch my drift.
2. The kid is nearly in tears, assuring me that if I want he will ride in the backseat cage of my patrol car and he will bring me to grammas to prove he's got a license.
3. At this point I'm on a non caffinated mission to find out if this kid is on the level or lying to me. (If he's on the level he's one lucky kid, if he's lying he is sooooooooooo arrested)

We get to grammas and gramma ain't home, I still haven't arrested him but I tell him that he needs to voluntarily accompany me to the station where we can await the resurgance of Floridas Registry. He complies, we go to the station. We get to the stationhouse and wait. Fla. Registry finally comes up and Violla....... The kid is legit, a dumbass but legit. My faith in mankind is semi restored.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER I'M FINALLY SIPPING MY COFFEE

Next we got a call for a report of a possible domestic in progress. Ohhhhh, Joy, my favorite. When we arrive at the front door the guy takes off out the back, We hunt him down around the corner and as we are handcuffing him, he just blurts out. "I never hit her!!!! I never hit her!!! she's lying!!!!!!" The only problem was that I had not yet told him what he was being arrested for or what she had accused him of.

I get him back to the station where he needs to be processed and booked. As I'm searching his back pockets, the friggin guy farts, cuts the mustard,passes gas,poops,rips one out however you want to say it The guy farted in my damned hand Aaaaaargh.

To his credit though he did say excuse me afterwards.

FILE UNDER: Never underestimate the stupidity of the common criminal

Finally was the guy who went into the local "Packy" liquor store for all you Non-Bostonians high as a kite intent on pilfering some Malibu Rum and munchies, he was so high that he didn't see the store clerk seated behind the counter and as he went about filling his pockets the store clerk slides over locks the door, calls 911, confronts him, the high guy decides to make a run for it, slams into the door and as he gets up he's snout up with the business end of the clerks 9mm handgun. The clerk ordered him to the ground and got cover behind the counter, holding him at bay until we arrive.

We roll up and see this guy behind the counter waving around a 9mm and the other guy whimpering on his knees on the floor. We disarm the clerk, assess the situation and as we are getting ready to cart away high guy, he starts yelling that he wants to file a counter complaint against the clerk. I'm thinking that one wont go nowhere.

FILE UNDER: This is your brain on drugs

Aside from that the night went nice and smooth all in all in my opinion. Dontcha think???????

HAVING A LITTLE FUN WITH THE ROOKIE

We have a few rookies that have just passed their 1 year proby period. I had discussed them in an earlier blog entry (but for some reason my old posts never came over when I upgraded to new blogger)

I have kindasorta adopted one of them, He rode with me a few times when he was a fresh green flatpatch right out of the academy and at first I sure as hell didn't know what to make of him. He was like a freaking Martian to me. The New Breed of Cop. I initially had my doubts that he'd fit in. I really liked him but I didn't quite know if or when he'd get it. Well he did and he's an awesome cop and someone I wouldn't have a problem backing me up when the shit hits the fan.

The one thing with him is he is hiliariously gullable. and fun to rag on.

One time, just after he got familiar with cop life he was relagated to dispatch (he needed to learn it, and as painful as it was for the rest of us those first few rotations he dispatched) we all just had to suffer through it. He actually ain't that bad now.

Well on that one time in question, he was told at rollcall that he was dispatching, he politely got up and headed up to the radio room, however after he got passed the rollcall room and out of earshot of the official and us he muttered under his breath that

"Putting me at dispatch is like benching an all star"

He didn't see the detective that was standing there right next to him when he said it. He got ragged unmercifully for awhile. (I actually found a Christmas tree ornament that said all star across the front and hung it on the dispatch mike one night near Christmas when he was dispatching)

He has gotten real comfortable in the job and has done some great work lately.

He is a proud former Marine and decided to ink up and got a full tattoo sleeve of memorable Marine scenes as a present to himself for a year well done.

We are so gonna have fun with this.......

We have him believing that he will never be able to make detectives due to the fact that his tattoo is not discreet and he will be useless in undercover surveillance.
(He like I really wants to make detectives)

We also have him believing that one of our Captains hates tattoos on cops, thinks they are unprofessional and disgusting.
We are waiting for the spring time to see what he does when we have to swap over to our short sleeve uniforms. Stay Tuned....

DO GOOD THINGS AND GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN---- YEAH RIGHT

I love the show My Name is Earle and I was sure that the premise of the show was true (Do good things and good things come back to you) I believed it until tonight.

You see I did my best Robin Hood impersonation, I came across a homeless kid (I had actually arrested him a few months back because he had a warrant) he was a decent kid both times I came across him, he did his time and just got out today, he had nowhere to go and was walking around town tonight in order to keep warm.

When I came across him, he was half froze but still in ok spirits, I checked if any of the shelters were open and not full, I was informed that they were all full.

So then I checked to see if he had any more warrants (he'd have to square them away but at least he'd be warm and tucked away for the night, Nope no warrants,

I even offered to let him punch me so we could take him in for that, but he didn't want to do that either.

My seargent looked at me as if to say, well there's really nothing we can do but let him know where the homeless people who don't go to the shelter hang out. The only problem was that all he had was a spring jacket tshirt and jeans on.

Thats when I hit on an idea, I grinned, looked at the Seargent and radioed in for an R/A (ambulance) for an "evaluation" when I did this the kid said he didn't really want to have to go in for a psych evaluation, they'd take one look at him, know he wasn't crazy and turf him quickly, he'd only get to stay an hour or so and be right back where hi is.

I told him not to worry, when the ambulance arrived I commandeered all their blankets and a pillow (I have a good rapport with the ambulance crews and they were more than happy to oblige) I brought him to one of the unnoficial "shanty towns" and made sure the locals took care of him.





At this point I was feeling really good about myself, like I put a few chits in my good Karma column.

That was until I got my next call.....

Two 50ish year old neighbors having a Hatfield and McCoy's type fued that has gone back to just after I got on the job.

Tonight's battle royale was about trash. Tomorrow is trash day and one guy put his trash out before the other guy, then guy #2 placed his trash in guy #1's trash container. Guy 1 goes out and takes guy #2's trash out of his barrel and launches it into guy #2' back yard.

All actions, as childish as they are cannot be catoragized as illegal. I had to listen to these two nitwits bicker back and forth (one of them actually was going to say "but officer I......) I gave him the look that conveyed that if he finished with "didn't start it"I would be really upset, I think he got the message because he stopped talking mid sentence.

I took it as long as I could then I told them they were acting worse than my kids and that if they didn't heed my warnings that i'd give them each a TIME OUT!!!!!



So I contend that I got gypped, I did good a thing and what did the cop get in return (the cop got hosed) I want my good Karma Damn it.