Dumb Criminals, The walk in DUI

Well when it rains it pours stupidity........
I was working the front desk the other night when I had a memorable walk in. I watched the unfortunate subject pull into the parking lot of the Police Department, screech to a halt, pour himself out of his vehicle, and then walk or more like the drunken line dance, (stagger, stagger, stutterstep, stagger, sway & repeat) up the front stairs of the police station.

My mind began racing, what would this pillar of the community be reporting to me if he made it up the stairs?

  • Would it be that he was unfairly shut off by an ogreish bartender and wants to know what he can do about it?
  • Would he be asking me to arrest his wife for not letting him into their house, the house that he bought and paid for?

No it wasn't any of the above, He wanted to report that his vehicle (actually his mom's car that this 38 year old was driving) had been struck in a hit & run and he was very upset and wanted to make sure he reported it.

His story, you ask?

He was minding his own buisness having a few amber colored alcoholic beverages at the bar, and when he decided that it was time to go home, he went outside and observed that his vehicle had been hit while he was inside.

Did I believe him?

Not a chance in hell. Let me explain....

I am cynical as all hell, that comes with the job so right off the bat I was suspicious and after a few quick questions and a view of the damages I was sure that he was lying to me. I asked him where he was parked and he told me that he was parked near the fire hydrant right across from the bar, I asked him if he was parked in the correct direction as the flow of traffic, and he replied that he was.

The reason for these two important questions?

Firstly, when I viewed the damages I noted that the damage didn't extend far up the vehicle, it was localized around 2 1/2 - 3 feet up the passenger side quarter panel and there was red paint transfer (the color red that fire hydrant's around here are painted with) and as I said before, the damage was on the PASSENGER side of the car, so if he were parked correctly, a hit and run vehicle would have had to drive with all 4 tires on the sidewalk, making sure not to strike the rear end of his vehicle or wedge himself between his car and the building and then turn in striking just the front quarter pannel just as he was about to actually make this improbbable pass. But more importantly how many drunk people have the presence of mind to walk around the car and check for damages that couldn't be seen unless you physically walked around the car to the passenger side in order to see?

What did I do?

I took the guys hit & run complaint (and also had him write out a statement in his own words), called in a seargant and the auto accident fraud unit detective, and had the drunk guy come around where we handcuffed him, placed him in custody for drunk driving as well as filing a bogus police report.

I could rant on about the stupidity of the criminal element however I like to look at the brighter side, this guy is the best form of job security, as long as there are people like him around, the public will need police officers and my job is safe.