STUFF I'VE LEARNED WHILE BEING A COP

•  The running speed of a German Shepherd is at least twice that of the
  average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one,
  please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you
  want to avoid getting bit.

• If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends
  who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with
  aforementioned friend.

• Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something.
  Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something. 
• If you get called to a 911 hangup and a guy answers the door with a 9
  month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally
  dialed it", he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't
  want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.

• If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you
  to know your friends last name. 

• If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see
  a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep
  the $20. 

• If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't
  need a warrant. 

• If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you
  search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket. 

•  We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them. 

• Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant
  conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the
  influence or 3) possessing some felony warrant out for them. 

• If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer. 

• If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I
  may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but
  I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation. 

• Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't
  do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance. 

• EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the
  victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy
  look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between. 

• Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers"
  and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances
  where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.

• I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well
  enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren't really your
  cousin. 

• "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen
  when I ask you where you work. 

• No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot. 

• If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you
  are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not
  like foot pursuits. 

• If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say
  "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very excited..it's
  like Christmas morning.